Jonathon's Journal
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Wednesday, December 2, 2009
you're lucky,
there are only a few I know who took it
the ones with nothing left to live for
though the draw is sickeningly sweet
the call never took us over
before hand anyway
will they make it past 30 or 40?
I have too many who look to me
they need my trembling guiding hand
I'm a little dizzy right now
my standards have fallen from their own grace
I took a few to feel better about myself
the slow descent into ruin
one gulp of water at a time, but
i'm going to be a better man addled in my mind
I want you to notice me
I want you to want me completely
Romeo, leave my juliet alone
Ruin someone else's wife with love
I traced every vessel with a razor
The panama canal
Like calligraphy
and I developed cold fusion in the process
But these aren't real dreams
my teeth are still falling apart
I find maggots in my garden
And I don't even have a garden
Somebody save me
If only for the interest
Monday, November 30, 2009
Do you think there will be a happy ending?
Because I don't
There is too much to life
Too much to dwell on
Too much to pretend to forget
I cry my tears
You cry your tears too
Where no one is looking
He sees my flaws
He sees my feats
His perceptions of what a man should be
My perceptions of how human I am
I hang my chains by the loving look he gives
His chains are bound by my selfish urges
This need to be alone to breathe an empty breath
Words that form from vapor
Vapid shapes of icicles stabbing
We disappear into the statistical shroud of obscurity
Leaving behind only trauma and machine-like sadness
Our children forged in the anvil of our mistakes
I've always been one to run from what I cannot win
A coward enacting the facade of one to cherish
What are we left with?
The sting of vapid icicles
Words unthought before spoken
Worlds wrought before broken
Dreams of teeth in stages of decay
Of a lover laughing at feigned affection
Somewhere in between
We see him struggling against his struggles
Fighting a war with his shortcomings
Saving or making casualties
The frontline is covered with innocent eyes
Who only know what it is I tell them
As it always has been
A has been
As he always has been
Burying his cremated dreams by the seashore
Saturday, October 17, 2009
They didn't ask for our problems
They didn't ask for our insecurities
They just asked to be loved
So what else will we give them?
Friday, October 16, 2009
I enjoy you for breakfast
With a slice of why
Quite frankly
I've never tasted desert before
Without an oasis gleaming of wander
Before the which hunt with wolves
Defined defiant for the deafs in it
There was the primordial good
Because there warrant a name for it
I enjoy you for breakfast
Peeling away your soft skin
Delicious savor under my teeth
Before the wolves got to you
There was more fruit to the three
Clarity tension euphoria tendon
I feel the goodness in my knuckles
The tired in my eye
A job done right in do due time
I want the electrons in my hand
To meet the electrons in your thigh
Sparking a reaction which brings strands of tears to my eye
But the mess is what's left
And often in a sense there is no reset to press
Little boy new
Cried out to the wolf
But the fangs got the last fruit
from the cannibal tree
Bananas and melons
popsicle sticks
peel away the skin
I enjoy you for breakfast
a taste of the guilt
with a twinkling of sin
Monday, October 12, 2009
I wondered what my eulogy would sound like
If I died today and somehow got to write it
Here lies me,
An effigy,
an epitaph instead of eulogy
a life lived obscurely
Demurely
In a sense, even absurdly
But surely,
Thank him curtly
He reaped flowers sown of hate
Bitter soil heavy weights
Inner Outer Castigate
Placed in word to validate
Yesterday held better fate
He learned in his youth
Each bad day has to be worse than the last
Loneliness is a room full of people not listening
Showers are the best seats to cry in
The opposite of self-help is love
He probably didn't want to die
Pissed on and anonymous
Never satisfying the fragile ego
But a late scream for help is better than none
Or so the eulogy read before the new day dawned
Monday, September 21, 2009
You take your deep breaths
To calm the nerves
But you're just digging deeper
Prolonging the inevitable
Like that slow build orgasm
Waiting for the explosive end
Making what a mess
Dirty dirty
If you could just keep your thoughts
Pure as the snow when you were born
You might have had your chance at life
A career in shackles and limitations
Just so you're not chased by the lions
But you corrupted your intellect
To feel like this was more than work
You take your deep breaths
To calm the numb anxiety
But you're just set on the end
Because the release was anticlimactic
Letting the shower rinse you clean
Like you always used to do
But this time saving someone else the mess
Sunday, August 30, 2009
My soul is hate
A characterizing thought
My days are quicksand
I am sinking
I have no future,
Tomorrow holds a mouth full of dirt
My eyes are covered and the tears seep through my fingers
My mind is dark
Full of thoughts that perverse my innocence
My breath comes in angry pants
Ready to strike at imagined misgivings
I picture torture well
The image sends revulsion and regret and
I come back to myself
My life is bland and empty
The only promise I hold is
A half hearted try for them
To hold their hands halfway
And too self-pitied to walk more
Sometimes I just want the six feet of silence
Or a compassionate mouth to speak
My servitude
These chains that bind me
To this rock I never wanted to be
Steadfast in my spontaneous conviction
Because I know the future is bleaker without
So this head hangs low and shamed
Not ten feet high and dangling
Life's guiding characteristic is its tragedy
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I stand
Head bowed in thought
Summoning my emotions into a ball
Energy twirling between the webbing
The anger flowing down my arms
My hatred glowing a sick red hue
I cast it into the sky
A mushroom cloud with a silver lining
Acid rain pools between the cracks
Its welcome cleansing catharsis
A million mistakes with one solution
I smile
Head bowed in death
Friday, July 24, 2009
I suppose I'm supposed to grow up
Because that's what you did
But I live out my lie
In a self-loathing fueled rage
Bottled inside to purify
I could vomit nails
But that's too expensive
and I can't afford the bill
I can't afford anything
But I have my dignity to loan out
In exchange for the rent
I hate you
I blame you
I hate you
It's right fucking there
I dream about it every day
Walking out and walking away
But the new day is black
Every day is a black hole of hell
Sucked into the hopeless abyss of nothing
Fire and brimstone isn't enough
I have to perspire in the cold emptiness of my life
Where everyday is a repeat of my sad nothing
Existence is an overstatement of my obscurity
I hate myself for hating you more
We did this to each other and
We'll do this to them and
That's the worst part
The reason I suffer with you everyday
Chained to these ties that bind me
I've always been so weak
I don't know what to do
I don't know what I can do
Take some more money from me
Party without me
Go off without me
Like family going to disney
I'll play off that I don't care
You do it to me all over again
Left alone when that's the last thing I want
But I want better
I always want better
My fuck you letter
As I start the day new
Dark like the light in Hell
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I am a guiding light of society
I used to be a felon
I took the path worst traveled
I did my time
I know I am the good of society
I read a good book
I talk about this book to others
I am a guiding light of society
I let small children sit in my lap
I tell them their daddy in the sky loves them
I whisper that I love them too
I don't believe in monsters
Because then I would have to believe I am
I am a revered member of society
I used to drink and party
I took the path easily traveled
I make you do your time
I target the downtrodden and the colored
I stop my old party friends
I talk about the old times
I high five them
I pat them on the shoulder
I let my old friends go
I am a revered member of society
I pass judgment on all of society
I don't believe in monsters
Because then I would have to believe I am
I am an integral member of society
I have more money than you have tears
I took the path handed to me on a golden platter
I know your approximate wealth and if I don't
I make up a number
I know you are a number
I am not concerned about your life
I am an integral member of society
I make lives and
I break lives
I complain about the homeless and poor
I laugh when people say they never had a chance
I don't believe in monsters
Because then I would have to believe I am
I am the strong arm of society
I believe in what I believe and you ain't changing me
I took the path worn and rugged, too often traveled
I traveled it like A Man
I learned what I know as a child
I learned what I know forcefully and you will too
I never think about what I know
I hate all that is not what I believe
I know change is for the worst
I never question the good, the revered, or the integral
I am the strong arm of society
I learned what I know forcefully and you will too
I believe in what I believe and you ain't changing me
I don't believe in monsters
Because then I would have to believe I am
There is nothing under your bed or closet
You can go to sleep tonight child
There is a world out there for you to see
Without prejudice or predisposition
I believe in monsters that feed on naiveté
They could even eat you if you're not careful
But they don't have big nasty claws
They have hands like you and me
You don't have to be afraid
We can travel side by side
I'll tell you what I think
Or you can take your lead
Have a thought all your own
I believe what I believe
And no one can really know
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I don't know why I feel this way
Or how long it will last
It is the usual nausea
The quivering of failed life
I hope I am rich one day
So I can ask myself
"Where do I go from here?"
Then I will save humanity from itself
With a few well-planted trees
I will have buildings named after me
Only to have them all blown away
By a cataclysmic bomb named after me
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
It's just a dream
She said
You will rise up miserable
As you did upon falling
She kissed me on the forehead
Wiped the teardrop from my eye
And I did
I don't know what I'm living for
I don't know what to do
It's this blight on my heart
The hand that covers my mouth
A distracting disconnection
The urge to burn all bridges
Until mine falls into the ocean
Beneath the waves and closing my eyes
I just want the water
The soothing relief of buoyancy
The rhythmic thumping heartbeat
Red warmth of Heaven as I drown
It's just a dream
She said
You will die alone, cold and scared
As you were upon your birth
She rubbed my nose in my childhood
Wiped the shame from my lips
And I did
Thursday, March 26, 2009
this dysfunction
breaking the cycle
i empathize
as the target audience
like he did sitting on the couch
but now it's a computer chair
anyway
i don't want them to feel the way i do
programmed to be this person
that i have to unprogram myself
I have better things to do
to be a better person
I was on less today,
I swear I was
tear drops and shadows cast on little lonely boys
i think i stopped wishing for better
realizing its better just to see than be
it's just art and
well,
it doesn't do much
it doesn't do anything at all, like me
tear drops and shadows cast on little lonely boys
the spider crawls up the web
the world wide web
and looks over the horizon in glee
another means of control
interconnected inner cities
encrypted jail houses and neglection
I was on less today
I swear I was
I'm on my way to improving
one step at a time
until i'm pushed down the stairway
watching the shadows cast on my little lonely boys
fading to black
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I want you to hear me
Instead of disappear me
Walk towards the distance
Only to get closer
The distance gets closer
and I walk the other way
Friday, March 6, 2009
I know the anguish
and I know the pain
the feeling of not good enough
because you couldn't be
That other person's someone
I don't know what you look like
Smiling lying on the pillow
A look of contentment
Secure in your place in the world
I guess I will have to get over it
I know the anguish
and I know the pain
I peer inside my soul and still find
that little boy lost without a hand
Thinking the exit is the only way found
Tripping and falling farther behind
Before and after
A depressing story all the same
The prologue is interred with the epilogue
I wish I had the will to live
But I only have my will in hand
I don't believe in anything
All reactions leave a bitter byproduct
Memories that are seventy percent water
Beneath the surface it grows colder
That familiar taste of salt on my face
Stifled inside my flaws and shortcomings
The sea of tears
An ocean of hopelessness
Chasms and chasms of relentless despair
Yearning still for the burning warmth
Of an affection then later rejection
Monday, March 2, 2009
I see the youth in reflections
Caged
Denied attempts
Shriveled down to retorts
Bitter loathing
And this self-deprecating rage
Images of the needle
Stitching closed skin without wounds
Slaving away
For a garment to cover my shame
Selfish wishes
Freedom
Happiness
While trampling the lives
Those who depend on me
To break my back
Trampling upon me
Like the teacher who hates the students
For being something he never will be
Or the second step before the goal
Images of the blade
Kissing me like skin stretched thin
Peeling away
But I never see anything underneath
Seething rivalry
Conformity and unoriginality
Giving up on dreams
Just to watch everything fall apart
My life
My home
My family
Spiraling down this drain of depression
If they never see me
I won't be the influence
I won't be the blame
When they turn out hollow
Indulgent and full of shame
Fearful and fatherless
My contribution to the family name
Images of the noose
A glimpsing window of my soul
Giving away
The climax to a life I never had
My soul never meant much
It's always and never been about me
I don't think well of myself
What do I care if you don't either
Indulgent fantasies of the Hollow
Just another with no hope, no future
Ruining and fulfilling the cycle before
Images of the combustion
Spontaneous and full of divine judgment
Burning away
Another mistake in the eyes of the Maker
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I don't want to write in melodrama anymore
Pretending - only to take the mundane away
Twelve steps away from the end of the road
Maybe I should have read the detour sign
But I said I don't want to write in melodrama
I think that entails analogies and metaphors
I want to drive down the road alone
Music spanning generations of depression
Just watching the scenery change
Without fear of going to work in the morning
I want a permanent vacation
One that pays for itself along the way
I think I have the answer if I can figure it out
They say practice makes perfect
I only have so much time to perfect anything
Besides this useless melodrama
Years of my practice thrown away just because
I don't want to write in melodrama anymore
Monday, September 1, 2008
Keep my eyes closed to let the creativity in
The eyes are a window to the outside world
It is just darkness inside of here
I look underneath every dark corner,
Lifting every dusty object to look below
But there is nothing left to dust off and present
I am at the end of the rope
I can either jump or be left hanging
I look down or I can guess the safest place to land
Not every day brings a new challenge to face
Some days allow me to stagnate, looking deep inside
But the eyes are my window to the outside world
All I do is stare - gaping at the beauty around me
The overwhelming desire to know all see all
My beloved taint is what keeps me restrained
A beast of burden supporting the weight of those
Who have no desire to improve themselves
I hate myself for what i am and what I lack
I look at this place as proof of my failings
I am envious of the whole entire world
Because it alone knows what it is like to not be me
Sometimes i want to smash everything I can reach
Rip into useless pieces and only then will it satisfy
A sick desire to unmake all that makes me envious
Before long the only thing i know and feel
Is this unrelenting anxiety stiffling all hope
As the pieces fall from what I rend away
The pile at my feet will soon bury me beneath
Still I continue to rip and tear with my teeth
Thinking all the while it is the root of my anxiety
Before I leap off this rooftop like a dove
A falcon on my way down to swoop upon my prey
The failings of an entire lifetime standing below me
Ripping and tearing with my frail insecure talons
My mouth waters like teardrops of lost loved one hysteria
I want to watch the world implode upon itself
And then having nothing left I want to hitch a ride home
Saturday, August 9, 2008
My sarcasm culminates into an epic tirade
Venomous anger which no strongman can hold back
Superheroes that fall before the onslaught of my cynicism
Stupidity knows no boundaries and my might will be there fighting
My strategy is without flaw
My forces are limitless
Even when the enemy flanks me from all sides
Arrogance my shield
Bitter is this battle
Eminent my defeat
I am only mortal in comparison to its infinite scope
Wastefulness and laziness that boils and burns my skin
Catalyzes and simmers my cynical rage
No man left standing before my berserker fury
I can match wits with the worst of the lot
Yet stupidity knows no boundaries and is without rival
Monday, August 4, 2008
Fake a smile for the fake
"One who fights a monster..."
Doesn't matter really
All of life is a beast
Lapping sanity from our dish
Until the disease surfaces
Spreading throughout the Abyss
Leaving you in moments of clarity
The arthritic ache of regret
Only allowing a smile for the fake
Before the disease turns you to plastic
So the beast will finally walk away pleased
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